a woman contemplates the death of a heart
Current mood: contemplative

I like it I don't like it. I want it I can't have it. I need it yet it's bad for me. I crave the thing I cannot have, daydream about the thing that will never be.

I got in the car today and turned on the radio. tainted love. I giggled to myself realising my personal irony coming full circle. I lure them in and spit them out when the taste gets too strong, my mouth recoiling from the intensity of feeling. I immediately find myself hungry again. my mouth salivating, I turn to the next, my eyes mirroring their curiosity, but with just a hint of the roiling waters below. I can't stay with anybody for long. I start to see that they are beginning to love me...that I will be held accountable. I will have to admit to those darker deeper things inside me that I have buried deep, having learned to hide them well and it is then that I bolt. take off running for the distant horizon where I think I can see my own solitude winking at me, beckoning to me. telling me that i am better off alone, that alone is easier than the turning inside out of myself and my soul only to find that this was not the right time, not the right person. I am tired of handing over little(or big) pieces of myself only to find that it was in vain. so these days, I hoarde them to myself, avoiding eye contact with the opposite sex, I gracefully drop out of the game. I tell myself that i have grown up and the need to play is a selfish, childish need and to hurt others due to my own confusion is wrong. the only thing is this...what happens when the day comes and my little mind and heart tell me that they want to share and crave companionship? do I turn away and choose not to trust? or do I run the risk of acting the fool and the demon one more time in hopes of a little lovin?

tttssss...I would prefer a harem instead...a harem full of men and boys, all of them intelligent, all of them entertaining. I sometimes wish I were a man. free to make love and steal affection as I please.

Currently listening: