phases of life
Current mood: contemplative

I woke up this morning my head dream free for once, leaving my train of thought unclouded. It was eight am and the shower was already running meaning that my oldest daughter was up, getting ready for school. She does that these days. all on her own no less. I rolled over, attempting to wake up my four year old daughter from her apparently dream filled sleep. She just hummed a muffled little"loveyoumommy" and rolled over. I cuddled her for a moment and then ripped her covers off and asked her what she wanted to wear today. she informed me that she wanted to be pretty today. Not surprising for a young girl like herself. any girl really, who doesn't want to be pretty? anyhow, I picked her out a black skirt pink shirt and brushed her hair up into pigtails urging her to brush her teeth and then made my way downstairs to wait for my oldest to be ready to go to school. few moments later, Lily(my oldest) made her own way down the stairs her face puffy and tired, her mood questionable, hair dripping wet down her back, an old grubby tye dye shirt with the names of all her friends written across the front and back. for pants, she had on some old grey ones that were getting a bit too tight and she had of course, failed to do up the zipper all the way. on her feet were old flip flops despite the cool weather this morning. I sighed, resigned to say nothing because it is her decision these days. She is ten years old and I let her make decisions concerning her appearance for the most part. This is part of the reason I am writing now.

we piled into the car, windows down partway, the cool air blowing over sleep warm skin. I tuned into NPR listening with one part of my brain while turning over the things I wanted to do today with the other part. Paint, pay bills, write, excersise...I looked into the rearview mirror, focusing in on Violet(my youngest) and saw that she had plugged Lilys earphones into her ears and was singing out loud, her face filled with emotion for the song she was hearing. Waiting for the light to turn, I then looked over at Lily watching her as she stared out the window, her eyes dreamy, her brow furrowed. I wondered what she was thinking and it was then that I thought of the thing I am trying to get at now:

My daughters are themselves just as I am myself and was myself when I was their age. The things that they do, the clothes that they choose to wear are their own decisions to make. Decisions that are made to bring them closer to be people that they will become. We are all constantly going through phases in our lives, phases that we must go through to find ourselves. to become comfortable in our own skins. I am no exception. when I sit, contemplating what I will do each day, what I will paint, what bills I will pay, what thoughts I will ponder, I am bringing myself closer to the person I will ultimately be in the end. the better painter, the more responsible woman, the healthier minded adult. when Violet tells me that she wants to be "pretty" she is excercising her choice to present herself to the world in the way that she sees fit. when Lily decides to go against her peers standards by not caring about her appearance, she is making a choice to be herself despite what others think. these are all just different phases in our lives and I find it interesting and anxiety inducing all at once. I worry for my children, what their decisions will bring them or not bring them. the people that they may become on their own and with my help.

These are the things going through my mind as I drop off my oldest daughter with a kiss and a wave, watching her as she plods toward the school entrance, head down face firmly set as she readies herself for this world that she inhabits everyday...without me. I then continue on, driving my youngest to her school. We get out and I hold my hand out to her to cross the parking lot. I lead her into her classroom and watch her as she shyly greets her classmates. She drops my hand, making her way toward the line at the sink to wash her hands, giggling a greeting to her friends. I have been dismissed. I sigh inwardly and turn toward the door...it is then that I see her classmate Ahmads mother. She has two girls in tow with her that I have never seen. They look to be about four and five and they both have face masks on. The kind of masks that cancer patients wear to keep away the germs only theirs are decorated with pictures of minnie mouse. Apparently these two children are her neices and I watch as they look on at the other children, eagerness and excitement all over their timid little faces. The other children eye the girls with curiosity wondering about their masks. I over hear the woman talking with violets teacher, telling her that the youngest of the two girls was born without an immune system. She was given a marrow transplant but they had yet to find out whether it had taken hold yet. Until then they are not allowed to attend school...either of them because of the germs they may come into contact with. My heart flips inside my chest as I think of the phases these two girls will go through. The sick one will obviously have a lot of emotions and obstacles that most people will never have to go through...especially at such a young age...fear,, hope, isolation. Her sister, the one who is NOT sick will have her own obstacles. she will no doubt have to deal with a huge responsiblity for one so young. She cannot attend school and be with her peers for fear of getting her sister sick. I am sure that the two sisters do not have many friends other than eachother. It is then that I think, with guilty relief that my daughters may never have to go through this sort of thing. they are lucky. the obstacles that they will go through will be no more, no less than any other. I find my anxiety flooding away at this thought.

sigh. life can be so interesting and yet so tragic and the lessons learned within all that are what make us who we are.