the surgery fiasco

I knew it wouldn't be easy. I had been dreading this day for weeks. It did not help that the moment my little one awoke, she began to cry in fear. It was the day that she would get her tonsils and adenoids removed. I know this sounds basic but as a mother, it is major. anytime the regular flow of your childs life is tampered with, it is major. She was shaking so badly that I had to carry her in. The check in was quick (and monetarily painful) and then they called her back. they checked her vitals, got her changed into her hospital gown and explained to her how the gas mask that was going to make her sleep would work. she was still shaky and kept looking to me to gauge my reaction to all of this and I had to be a big liar and just nod and smile and tell her it would be fine, no big deal. they let me have one more kiss and then ushered me out to the waiting room
and this is where I sat with my step dad and friend, not for very long when suddenly her doctor was in the waiting room saying that everything was o.k. and done and I could see her soon. about thirty minutes later, My dad and I were led back to the recovery room and that was when I saw her. my poor little girl. her face looked bruised and swollen, her eyes were bloodshot and she could barely focus on my shape and to make my heart feel like it was being squeezed in a vise grip, she tried to force her drugged features into a smile while attempting to tell me that she was o.k. as her heart monitor began to speed up I shushed her, sitting as close to her as her little hospital bed would allow, stroking her face, telling her to close her eyes while I watched the heart monitor slow down as I touched her face talking in a low, soothing mom voice about nothing important. about what we would do when we got home and what kind of popsicles she would like. she fell back to sleep and the nurse eventually came back in to give me the frightening instructions about her recovery and the potential dangers. I nodded bravely as though this were something I dealt with on a daily basis, potential bleeding, fevers and puking. eventually another nurse came in to wake violet up and take out her I.V. She was surprisingly brave, looking to me for acknowledgment over this. I nodded in all seriousness while telling her that "my little lady is as tough as nails" as the nurse slid the tube out of her hand and she fell back in relief, the codeine that the nurses had given her prior to my arrival in the recovery room beginning to affect her. she looked at her band-aid smiling and admiring the fuzziness of elmo's legs out loud as I turn to smile at my dad. apparently she was a bit wasted. the nurse came back asking her if she wanted to ride in a wheel chair and she drunkenly insisted that she wanted her Grandpa to carry her. No problem. I pulled the car around and my dad put her in it and I got out and began strapping her in and bundling towels around her in case she got sick from the medicine. she just looked around dazedly and then began to admire her band-aid again.
Once home, I realized that my dad had bought her some french fries and a milkshake(something the nurse said she could have when she was READY) and the little sweetie tried to make her way through a couple of bites of the milkshake doggedly, to make her grandpa happy.
So we made it through the day fairly peacefully, her on the couch, me at her feet reading a book. Hovering, constantly in her peripheral afraid to move afraid to leave her alone. Not wanting for her, even if for a moment to feel as though I was not right there. Ready if she needed me.
she ate several bowls of ice cream only whimpering when the pain medicine began to wear off and we had to wait 45 minutes for the 4th hour to strike. the magic moment where she could feel better again. even if for only a couple of hours.
I kept her up until 10pm so that she could take one more dose of her medicine. she was exhausted after refusing to sleep at all during the day. once she had the medicine, she drifted off to sleep as I continued to read my book, monitoring her sleep. I eventually closed my book after I heard her breathing become even and right before I shut off the light she snapped up to a sitting position, clawing at the walls attempting to pull at the molding on the wall that resembles a door while saying, "why? why?" and then she stood up to half kneeling, half standing position, poking at the painting above her saying, "why won't this work?" I found this a bit amusing and a bit frightening as I calmed her back down, knowing she was not awake as her eyes were glossed over and red, not quite focusing in on me as I spoke to her. once her breathing became even I again I turned out the light again, falling into a light sleep only to be awoken by her ragged breathing, her snoring louder than a grown man and I began to get a little worried. in between the loud, choking snoring sounds I would her breathing pause...for way too long. I would nudge her and she would begin to breathe again. I turned to her so that I could watch her in the dim light. Her mouth was swollen, her tongue pushing up against the roof of her mouth, her breathing forced through her swollen little nose. Fuck, I knew I would not be able to sleep well that night. I drifted off again only to awake again thirty minutes later to the sound of her choking and whimpering and I gave her some water and made her breathe, trying to clear her throat gently and she fell back to the pillows falling back into a fitful sleep. I sighed and turned over to my back, listening to her breathing, not breathing myself so as to hear her better. silently wishing that I was not alone on this particular night. though I fought sleep, I still found myself dreaming. I found myself alone in a house, searching for her, climbing upstairs, calling her name as I could hear her choking to breathe somewhere above me. I found her hunched over a toilet at the top of the stairs, a toilet suspended in air above the backyard. I could see the back of her head as she puked dark red blood as well as the yard below, puddles and ponds everywhere. I reached forward to hold her hair back and missed...it was then that I fell forward past her and down into the yard my foot somehow catching on a wire on the way down. the wire was connected to a giant speaker and when I hit the ground I saw it hit next to me, falling into a puddle of water, sparking with the sound of electricity that was still connected to a power source and I saw the blue light zap through the water toward me as I leaped up running away trying to avoid the puddles as I attempted to make my way back into the house. not seeing any way in without getting electrocuted I began to hear her cry again. it was a plaintive sound, bringing me back to my reality, I opened my eyes to see her sitting upright in the bed again and this time her face was contorted in pain. I looked at the clock and saw that it was finally time again to give her her medicine. I began to get it ready and she was just getting more and more panicky and I knew what was coming if this continued. "Take a deep breath and calm down or you will be sick" I could hear it in her voice, I could hear it coming. She just nodded her head as her hands flew to her mouth, the dark red sick pushing out from between her fingers. I grabbed her up, racing her to the bathroom, my sleep tired legs barely working as she wretched onto my hands, my arm, the blanket that had fallen to the floor in my haste. I got her to the bathroom as the flung her self over the toilet bowl, choking and wretching as I scrambled to keep her hair out of it, the mantra in my head screaming, 'Fuck, fuck, oh fuck please stop' While my actual voice told her firmly that she needed to breathe as I watched the dark vomit turn bright red with blood knowing that the force of her heaving was forcing the scabs to burst. I held her hair with one hand, wiping her mouth with another while still coaxing her to stand up and breathe. Finally, the moment passed and she was sobbing and falling to the floor as I scooped her up and then attempted to wet a washcloth to wipe her face and nose. I went to the cupboard and pulled out new bedding that I set on the floor only to see her curl up on it still sobbing as I ripped the dirty bedding off of the bed. I moved her and then got everything back to normal, tucking her in and climbing in next to her knowing that sleep would not come to me again. I lay there the rest of the night, reading, listening to her breathing and prodding her when her inhalations paused for too long and I write this now from the land of the walking dead...
Though I am thankful for auto pilot, I am sometimes all too aware of how difficult doing this by myself is...but we will make it through. we always do. I make sure of it.