my rage is like the pounding rain
Current mood: determined
Category: Life

why does there have to be so much anger? why do I let myself get sucked into it?

I am tired of men and women fighting like cats and dogs and then fucking like it never happened.

I got a letter from an old love yesterday and it was condescending and callous...as usual.

Apparently I have been stupid for a very long time. letting people treat me badly, letting people tell me how to think and how to feel. this may sound strange to those who think that they know me, but those of you that truly do, will not find it surprising at all. Almost every "relationship" that I have ever had has somehow been about abuse and manipulation, whether it be physical , mental or spiritual, I have been struck down and hurt because I did not understand how to be alone and o.k. with all that is me. I have now spent the past three years relatively alone due to the mass amount of hurts that I have acquired...I have had no choice but to try and be o.k. on my own so as not to accumulate any more. upon receiving this letter, I felt angry. for the first time in forever, I let my anger get the best of me. I realise that it may be due to the fact that it has been a long time since I have let anybody talk that way to me and for him to do so when I have been trying so hard to have a friendly relationship with him was preposterous. I cannot allow it and I am finding my rage again though I do not know if it is for better or for worse, but I am tired of feeling ugly, tired of feeling stupid, tired of being told that I am not good enough or smart enough or tough enough or sexy enough. I am what I am and that is all that I am, and I am not gonna let another person tell me different. I have been striving for so long to find somebody who truly loved me for me only to realise that they never will if I do not make them. if I accept anything less, I will get just that...less than what I am worth and if that is not retarded, I do not know what is. slowly but surely, I am finding my strength. the strength inside, the strength I have been told about, the strength that I have been in posession of all along.

he told me that my heart was cold and that I was dead on the inside because I would not take his bullshit nor give a proper response to his letter and pretend that it was o.k.. if that is coldhearted then fine. I may need to make myself like ice and learn how to operate in below freezing temperatures because getting hurt by a socially incompetent, stuck-up, below average asshole is not my idea of a good time. I am tired of trying to be friends with the enemy. the enemies from past and present, can go fuck themselves and see how it feels to be fucked and hurt. I am no longer going to let people hurt me to make themselves feel better. I am no longer going to let them lash out at me while turning a blind eye or offering a soothing word as though it did not hurt, as though I could take it because after all, they were human and they had probably acted out of anger at something I did or said because I am annoying? because deep down, I somehow deserved it? I have always thought that something about me seemed deserving of the pain, deserving of the cruelty. Though as of right now, I can honestly say that the empathetic piece of my heart that has burned so bright and so long is dead and I am finding that guilt has been the seed growing the weed all along that I have been mistakenly been calling empathy.

tomorrow may be different. one can only hope that when the rage subsides and my mind is still, I will open my eyes to a brighter, clearer sky. I mean, hope is a good thing right??