loneliness, my savior
Current mood: thankful
Category: Life

I welcome loneliness like an old friend. I wrap myself in the silence happy to be able to hear my thoughts once more. I find it comforting that sometimes the only human contact that i get comes from the giggles and screams of my children. Their questions and far fetched stories, their cries in the night. Whenever I try to incorporate another adult into my life on a more intimate level than friendship, I find myself growing tense. Wondering how it will ever work, how I will ever be able to integrate the two. I enjoy wandering around my house alone, drinking beer, and smoking cigarettes late at night on my porch, my phone turned off, my book in my hand. I enjoy busting out my paint at eleven pm, letting my imagination run wild. I enjoy thinking and writing whatever I feel without the heart of another tangling my thoughts, my visions and dreams. why is this? is this just fierce independence? or is it maybe just too much damage in my past so that I have now curled in upon myself seeking solace in my own mind?

Taking care of my children and watching them grow was once a task that seemed too overwhelming to attempt alone but as we grow older, I find myself happier with the small family that I have cultivated. Content to write about the things that they do, the things that touch my heart and move me to feel. I once wanted somebody to share all this with but now, things have changed and I feel as though we have moved too far away from the beginning to turn back. Too many events have come and gone with only me to witness that now the wall around our family has grown and it is just too high for anybody to scale, the door rusted shut unable to be opened again. the loneliness permeates the air inside and though this may seem sad there is something comforting in its consistency. I will always be here and so will my daughters. This is something I can count on...so I guess I will.