mice make me want to run screaming.
Current mood: exhausted
Category: Life

I think there is a mouse in my house and I really should be sleeping because I am so exhausted my mind is barely in working order.
But I am scared of mice and I am scared of my dreams tonight.
This past week, my dreams have been littered with old lovers and connections lost or never even found. I dreamed of pulling one of said lovers from a dark pit where he was being attacked by something otherworldly...I was at the top of a slide, on my stomach reaching down into the abyss... I grabbed him by the wrists and pulled him up to me, pushed him up above me so that I could climb up and over him, look down at him, admire him...love him...if you know what i mean.

I dreamed I was a teacher at a boarding school and and almost got fired for being out too late with a man that I had been seeing. I was confronted with evidence of my rendezvous in the form of dirty green and gold feathers that had fallen off of my dress as I ran through the dark streets knowing I was late and not wanting to be stuck with the man in question. after being chastised and told to go to my room and pack my things, I found myself in the corner wedged between the wall and the bed with another old flame that still has yet to go out and I curled up with him, only to have him flip over and hold me down, overpowering me, making me love him...

I dreamed of sitting, holding hands with the one time love of my life, looking down and seeing our hands old and liverspotted, with nothing but swirling dark space below us.

I dreamed of running, running, running, faces blurring past in my desparation to create a distance between myself and a man who still to this day tries to suck my strength away. I woke up sweating from that one, knowing that I of course...was born to run.

This weekend my real life was a menagerie of new flames flickering and old flames sparking in agitation as I was bombarded by a series of situations that I could in no way, deal with because really, there was no time to and there was just too much of it at once.
I move forward too quickly and my heart flutters too rapidly to be seen clearly or felt intimately for any long period of time and so the flames grow brighter, feeding on the energy I seem to create in my frenzied motion and as they do, they sometimes manage to hem me in, making me vulnerable to their heat.
I can't help it, I love them all so much yet not any one of them enough(o.k. well maybe one, you know who you are...stalker). It is just that I find myself overwhelmed with the belief that I am meant to be just this...an independent woman that is free to experience whatever affection she may come across and affect their lives and my own in the process...for better or for worse but I would like to think better for the most part because I am meant to be the woman that runs. the rapid accumulation of experience is what I need because whether it is in my life or in my dreams I am always running, the faces blurring past, my feet light as air and my mind higher than the sky...only once in a while my feet pausing in midstride, bringing the faces into focus and making my heart beat in time with another...sometimes it lasts days, sometimes it lasts months, sometimes it lasts years...but it never lasts forever because when I have learned what I can, my body and mind get the itch to move forward, to gain more understanding and the weight of another seems to hold me back, still my motion, slow my mind, stop my heart and when that happens, my creativity atrophies.
So, this may be my truth. o.k. I suppose but sometimes the damned dreams threaten to break my sanity, leaving me feeling empty and confused. I miss them all, I love them all...even when they don't love me anymore because they are still a part of me and I know that the reason it ended was because I had to let it go, I had to run and move forward in space in time, to be what I am and fulfill my need for independence. I usually know what I am letting go of and though it hurts everytime, I know that doing it was right because I am a bad girlfriend(not a bad lover, only a bad girlfriend) and that am not meant to be pinned down and held captive, forced to be content with the same face day after day. I do not like being an object that can be held, can be owned. I like being an object that can be desired, an object that is in motion while creating energy in its wake...whether that energy haunts me later or not.
so it goes, I am a fickle bitch.
or maybe I just have not found somebody that can keep up with my rapidly changing mind, my high energy life...or maybe I have and he just keeps eluding me...running from me.