what is it and why do we contemplate it?

falling asleep I am thinking of the many faces of love, awakening my mind is stuck in a rickety airplane set up like a movie theatre with windows on either side that cannot get more than 20 feet off of the ground. we bump up and down, the trees flying past, my heart full of fear, my hand gripping that of the bespectacled girl next to me I think desperately about getting off of this awful contraption. I hope like hell it never makes it into the air. It begins to ascend, the sound of branches cracking against the side of the plane, the street wavering below. I chance a look out the window and the plane dips toward the tree lined street below and I jerk myself awake in fear, startling him in his sleep and he jumps a little then pulls me in closer.
Back to my original thoughts. There was once a time when I thought that love was something to be attained, something that could be possessed. I learned later in life that love is a verb. love is something that is felt and acted upon in a moment of passion. whether that passion is of the lustful or familial variety, it is inspired by passion just the same.
I have as of recently felt this bubbling up of emotion, of passion, of loving feeling. Now I understand that this feeling can be fleeting and intermittent but there is something so profound about it when it alights on your heart and mind. Or maybe it is profound in some cases because it does not come randomly or of it's own free will(does love have a will?) it is generated. it is a spark that is created and then coaxed so that it may burst into flame in the case of lust and when the flame gets hot and burns bright, everything can fall away and the feeling of buoyancy the heat causes in your body and mind can be exquisite... until the flame burns out...but we won't think about that. Then in the case of family love, it is like an old ember that just burns and burns, sometimes flaring up and surprising you with its intensity other times just smoldering and waiting, the warmth something to be counted upon. Like a commodity. Is there a way to combine the two? or are they just two separate things? can the spark flare up, burn bright and then smolder while waiting for a breeze of desire or inspiration so that it may be regenerated, bursting back into flame?
These are the things I lay there thinking about. To no end of course because I still know that love is a verb and not a material thing. It is acted out when it is felt and there is not usually any rhyme nor reason. at least not in my experience. although maybe that is because I only know the smoldering ember that I keep hidden from the outside world and have only experienced the spark and quick burning flame once or twice.
who knows? who cares? It is just something to be contemplated as I lay there naked, comfortably intertwined with the body of another. a body that has created a spark within me that bursts into flame from time to time...much to my delight as it leaves me feeling warm and content. For now.

Feelings are gay.

I lie there, the warmth of the afternoon sun filtering in through a gap in the curtains. I listen to the in and out rhythm of his breathing as he falls into sleep, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, twitching as his body fights the vertigo that the subconscious meeting the conscious can create. I concentrate on the feeling of his chest against my shoulders, stomach against my back...from the top of my neck to the bottoms of my heels we are connected by an unbroken line of warmth that feels as though it in itself is alive. there is something very soothing about this. this is something I have not felt in a long while. I feel as though I could lie there forever, never feeling restless to get away, never trying to untangle myself from an awkward embrace because I embrace the awkward as our laughter smooths it away...there is no bad feeling here.

I blindly toss my eggs into one basket haphazardly, not caring if they break or get lost. not caring if the basket is even there to catch them because if it means that I get to hold onto this feeling of comfort and affection if only for a moment, then that moment will be precious as long as I feel it. it has been a long time since the warmth of another penetrated the cool exterior of this self. making it glow from the inside out.

so fuck it, I toss my eggs and my caution to the wind because life is short and I move forward with or without these experiences. all I want to know is feeling, the feeling of warm breath on the back of my neck, of laughter late at night, of a painting started, a painting finished, of being loved by a daughter a brother a friend, of all the things that make me want to live because I am tied together, moment by moment by a string of feelings and emotions that have been woven to create this self.

the thought of the future is a frightening thing, but the thought of feeling happy is not.