head of household
Current mood: stressed
Category: Life

sometimes I get so stressed that my vision becomes clouded, my body grows taut. stretched like a rubberband, feeling as though it might snap at any given moment. my children screaming, crying, fighting, and falling sick and otherwise, milk being spilled, child support not being paid, violets daddy picking fights with me in front of my children, violets dad talking bad about me to my children, my phone ringing, my keys being locked in the house, my rent check bouncing,my car breaking down, the bills piling up, my back wrenched, my wallet empty, barely any food to put on the table, the dishes piling up, my house consistently being trashed by my children, my car running out of gas and my cigarettes being somewhere other than with me. no person should carry this much weight on their shoulders. I made these decisions myself, I know. it is just that somehow, in the last few months I managed to a dig a deep hole and now I think I have fallen in...but back to the rubberband thing. I will not allow myself to fall so here I am, stretched tight across this hole of my own making, fingers and toes gripping either side desparately trying to hold on, every muscle in my body shaking with the effort. in my mind, I flirt with the idea of letting go, letting myself tumble to the soft cool earth below where I can just lay and sleep for a while. but no. no that is not possible. my children need me, my friends need me and I have to keep on working and keep on smiling while really, all I want to do is just scream as long and loud as I possibly can, scream until I have no voice, no energy and maybe then, my immediate future will not seem so bleak, the hole may not seem so deep. i know that this will not work but strangely, it is what I want to do. I know I cannot though. I cannot fall apart, I cannot snap, I gotta keep my head down and keep on working. keep on painting, keep on keeping on meanwhile trying to keep a brave face intact to show my children and friends so as not to worry anybody. it is the least I can do. I am the sole provider, the giver of life. I am everything to my little ladies and if I fall apart, so will they. I am lonely, I am scared and I am tired. all I have is my children so for them I will do what it takes and try not to fall apart. try not to shatter into a million pieces because as far as I know the kids are not so good at wielding the broom so there may not be anyone to sweep up the mess.

jesus, what have I gotten myself into???