ALMOST a complaint
Current mood: drained
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

so it seems that there is no end in sight. thirty is just around the corner and I am poor as a single mama and I cannot see when or if that will ever change. it is hard not to get depressed when your rent check ALMOST bounced, your power ALMOST got turned off, your daughters ALMOST never see you because you are always working, and you are probably ALMOST the most lonely girl in the world. time goes by and I just sit here in front of my computer, wishing I had a beer, a glass of vodka, anything to ease the pain of my pathetic existence. I am too tired to paint, I want a cigarette( I am almost one month quit) and I am getting older by the second. pfffttt. WTF? how can this be? how can I not just have exactly what I want? why does it have to be so hard? why do I have to work harder than anybody I know only to have less than everybody that I know? oh wait, I know, I made certain, un-thought out decisions and here I am. A starving lonely artist, a chubby single mother, who does not sleep around or hardly date for fear of somehow damaging my daughters egos, and does not smoke for fear of looking old. I mean, what does any of it matter when time just keeps ticking, and I keep getting older and more confused? no relief in sight, so why dont I just buy a gallon of vodka, and pick up smoking again? I mean, why the fuck not? I cant pay my bills, I cant think straight, I cant keep myself awake long enough to get any art done and the hours seem like days when there is nothing to pass the time except self loathing. hmm. maybe thirty will be better. maybe when I turn thirty, I will suddenly become an awesomely productive artist, maddeningly attractive swinger with children who are totally well adjusted because their mommy is a fucking multi-millionaire. lets not forget that part. without that part, none of the rest can happen. or so I have always heard and these days, I am beginning to believe. money makes the world go round I guess because those of us without money are just treading water, living hand to mouth, trying to numb the pain of our existence, while the rest of the world just keeps on moving, growing, buying, and exploiting any bits of beauty that may be remaining. I am missing out. on what? I wish I knew.

if only I could think straight, maybe then I would know. as if that were possible. you know, if it weren't completely futile, I would actually probably let myself be depressed but there is no use in that, now is there? being depressed only makes things harder and more daunting . being depressed only makes people not want to be around you which makes for an even lonelier existence. you can't win for losing I guess. If I were not me, I would think anybody who read this might be worried, but I am me and I cannot escape the fact that everybody who knows me probably knows that I will always pull through because the goddamned warrior in me always finds a way. for better or for worse. for richer or poorer. it is just me and me, til death do us part...

happy birthday to me.

This is not a complaint, because despite all of this, I am still glad to be alive, glad to be able to make jokes, observe the things around me, be a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend and a woman. so really, disregard this last note and know that my body is just under stress after my seven day work week, my heart and head hurt just a little(or a lot?), and my big 3-0 is just around the freaking corner so forgive me as I have a little breakdown for all the world to see if they so desire. this is not a cry for help because, through it all, my will to live is still stronger than most...

oh and p.s. to all of my friends who were concerned about my welfare today and truly wanted to help, thank you. I love you all. I am sorry if I am a bit stubborn. it is what it is and I am what I am.