And so it goes...
Current mood: determined

My hair is hers, my lips are hers, my knees knocking together are hers. she is gone. I told a good friend of mine about this, only a moment ago...I am sad because though I never knew her in the way that I should have or could have, I feel a loss. I will never get to dissect her memory and find myself lying there, curled up, my small baby body frail and new. waiting for guidance. she was the one of the first to hold me, to feed me to nurture me with my own blood from birth, to instill in me the ways of the medecine woman. She showed my newborn eyes strength. Showed me what it would be like when I too could be a warrior...a woman with strength of character, and the ability to love and nurture all of her creations. I felt her loving hands holding me, strong and sure. I feel them now. I remember her words in spanish, invoking the Gods, the Virgin Mary, mother of Jesus, to protect me and always help me find my way. She is gone, but they remain.

Yesterday I felt a gaping hole...today, I feel the strength that her death is giving me. the energy she has passed on. I will be the warrior, the mother, the healer. I will have her always, in my heart, and in my bones, in my face, and in my limbs. My mind is far reaching, yet my soul belongs to her. belongs to my family. I accept my fate as she and others have done before me, and when death comes, I will smile...knowing I have given my family a role model like the ones I have known.