Life is just too beautiful and too terrible.
Current mood: indescribable
Category: Life

Today I went to my eight year old daughters school picnic. We brought blankets, sandwiches, snacks etc. It was a total madhouse. Kids racing around, screaming, giggling, dancing(there was a gayass DJ), eating ice cream and just pretty much doing what I would guess they would do at any given moment during recess. I am fine with all that. Kids amuse me. I like their rowdiness, their sly usage of bad words, their wiggle dances, their wannabee cheerleader moves, their wannabee sport hero moves. I watched it all. I even watched my youngest daughter(age three) get swooped up in a gaggle of girls, both of her hands held on either side by her sister and her sisters friend. I made an attempt to follow(she just came out of my womb three years ago for crying out loud!) but they cut across the soccer field, with soccer balls and foot balls whizzing by and hyperactive, ice cream/soda buzzed kids racing eachother full blast, tearing into the grass, their eyes closed against the wind, closed against the obstacles that may await them in their path. I watched, my mouth agape as my baby disappeared into the chaos, her chubby little arm raised in the air and ending with her hand in a firm grip around her sisters palm, an air of trust in her swagger. I again looked with exasperation at the kids tumbling about in front of me, unaware of my anxiety. I searched the evening air for my daughter. I tried desparately to make her little figure out in the sea of glowsticks that appeared to be sending out arcs of light in the dark. AH HA! I spotted her in the distance at the playground, attempting to climb the ladder to the slide, ALONE...meanwhile HUGE kids were jumping around her screaming and yelling, shoving and playing and her sister was off about five feet away, working out some dance routine with her little friends. I moved my legs faster, meanwhile making an attempt to not break eye contact with the tiny figure of my youngest daughter. She made it to the top of the slide and as I breathlessly began to close in, she slid down giggling, landing in a heap on top of a little boy at the bottom of the slide. I was about five feet away at this point(almost home)and then...here comes her sister and her friends, bored with their supposed dance routine and suddenly remembering their little living doll, their little charge yes. here they come, hands out they swoop down and bring violet back into their little circle of light. Of course, they are oblivious to me...the only one who looks over her shoulder as they walk away from my outstretched arms, is Violet herself. The baby in question. She catches my eye and smiles while turning to look up at her sister. She does a little skip, and off they go again into the whirlwind of activity as I stand there with my heart in my throat.

I suddenly realised that she is already on her way away from me. Unlike her sister, she is moving forward and growing rapidly, with her eyes trained on the spot ahead of her where her sister is having fun in the distance. Sigh. I can't keep her little forever. I took for granted the power I had over the first, the power I wielded to keep her innocent, keep her close, and forgot to factor in the power she in turn would have over my second, the power to make her grow, to make her tough.

amusing? yes. maybe to somebody else but I kinda feel like crying. It happens too fast.