oh how it hurts Current mood: contemplative why is it that love hurts? that love is not always meant to be. each moment in life is only conducive to certain kinds of love. each person only meant to be a fixture in your life for a certain amount of time. not that i am complaining. i understand that time passes. emotions change like the seasons. like the planets revolve in space, so do the emotions that give way to love. there was a point in my life when my grandmother was everything to me. she was my mother my love. now, she lays dying, and i am aware that her time in my life is passing. i will no longer be able to actively love her. i will soon only be able to conjure up her memory to find any solace. i think that love affairs may be the same. in the moment, one feels as though that moment, is the only moment. the love will be forever...but i have learned my lesson with this. people grow, people drift...changing like the seasons, til' the intensity of love wanes, leaving only memory and attachment which i will admit, for some people, is constituted as love. but lets be honest, love is a verb. love is something that you actively do. not something that is used to describe an emotion. i am sorry folks. i am just confused. just trying to figure out if my decisions are the right ones. i feel myself starting to grow, starting to change...to be able to love passionately and openly is something i am unable to do right now. though of course, as i've said before, love hurts. even though the decision and the understanding is mine(sometimes), it does not hurt me any less. 1:30 PM 2 Comments (Add Comment) | 4 Kudos Edit Remove

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 time is running out Current mood: sad so the tests have come back. my grandmother has been diagnosed with lymphoma. there is not much time left. i have to look into buying a ticket to washington state at the end of august. anybody know where i can buy cheap airline tickets? sigh. 1:11 PM 3 Comments (Add Comment) | 0 Kudos Edit Remove

Sunday, July 16, 2006 SIGH... Current mood: indescribable Category: Life death comes in like a wave, attempting to wash away all of the things that I have attached myself to. Maybe now is the time that I need to detach myself or else I may be in danger of getting washed away too. My other grandmother is sick now. about eight months ago, she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. a huge one. it caused her to have a stroke and she is no longer the woman that I have always known and loved. my mother, my life. she raised me, gave me all of the values and some of the views that I have now. she gave me life through love and nurturing. showed me how to be responsible with her constant vigilance. where my own mother was lacking, she attempted to make up for it. she is a tough, hard to please, irish catholic new yorker. with five kids, and eighteen grandkids, she was a pro at rearing children. The doctors gave her medicine to shrink the tumor so that they could see what was going on in her brain and miraculously, the tumor disappeared. we all rejoiced, and breathed a little sigh of relief, mingled with apprehension, knowing that it only allowed us some borrowed time. borrowed time with a shell of a woman. a shadow of her former self, we see that the suffering has only just begun... I saw my mom today. "I didn't want to worry you..." she says (great, now I am worried...!!!???) "I found out a few days a ago that your nana had a seizure, and when they did a spinal tap and an MRI, they found another lesion...on her brain" "I did not want to ruin your weekend" WTF?!!! I wanted to know! Now I feel bad about fretting over my stupid little life, and my own stupid little drama, when the woman I love as much, if not more than myself is sick...again. I understand that my mom was worried about my mental health. the first time around with this tumor and sickness business, I had a complete breakdown. I lost control of the muscles in my body as well as my emotions. Now recently, I lost my other grandmother, as well as a really wonderful friend, all in a months time... two in seven days to be exact. The sad thing is that at this point i am numb. I am so conditioned to death and sadness, that I can no longer see the good or the bad in it. it just is. It is just one more thing to keep me awake at night, and just one more thing to push to the back of my mind during the day. Sigh. I just don't know what to feel right now. I won't know until monday whether or not she will be o.k. and as I have been saying lately, I feel as though my life is a ball made out of glass that unseen forces have hurled into the air, and all I can do is just stand here and watch it fall in slow motion, knowing it has to hit the ground sometime where it will inevitably shatter because I am unable to reach out and catch it. My hands are tied by time and circumstance. some things just cant be helped. Now, I am not one gifted with patience or the ability to wait, watch and learn. this will be a test for me. for me to finally understand and put to use that old AA saying..."accept the things you cannot change, change the things you cannot accept." well I have always changed the things that I could not accept, but I have never learned how to accept the things I cannot change. Now, I have no choice. SIGH...of course, I am speaking of more than just my grandmother...but some things are better left unsaid.